I have lost count of how many times I have been standing in the shower having thoughts about "what do you wear to court to see your child in handcuffs and shackles" or "to find out how long his sentence is going to be", or even "what do I wear that I am not turned away and do not get to visit for another 6 months". Like some women trying to chose what to wear to a wedding or cocktail party, I am trying to decide to appropriate outfit for these situations.
I have faced many things that have molded me into the person I am. I know I am a strong person. I know I can handle some pretty tough things, because I already have and I am here to tell the story.
However, many times I have approached that strength with an almost arrogance. Like a weight lifter talking smack about how many pounds he can lift, or a boxer boasting about his wins. I found that my inner strength was something I was very sure that I possessed.
With that I have developed a deep dislike for weakness, especially weak people. There are some of these people around who seem to crumble just by dealing with a unpleasant customer at work, or someone cutting in front of them in line. To some, dealing with a less than perfect server at a restaurant is the same magnitude as the first time I saw my son cuffed and loaded into the back of a police car.
I will admit, I am truly annoyed by this type person. We all know someone like this. Just day to day life seems so dramatic to them. The most tramatic thing they have experienced is if dad is going to pay off their credit cards so they can shop while they are on vacation. These also seem to be the people who judge others the most. The ones who roll their eyes at your prayer request.
But it occurred to me, that in my thinking on this, I was judging them. There was no difference. And if this "positive" trait of strength I had was so positive, why did it cause me so much distress. I can feel by blood pressure rise just with the thoughts of these types.
I am working on changing my thought process on this. I prayed that God would help me to stop being annoyed by someone who had never experienced a tragedy and instead be thankful that those people do have a weakness because they have not had to learn this strength. Just to be thankful that bad things have not happened to everyone.
It will be something I will have to work on and continue to pray for the kind of strength that is not bitter because some have had a smoother life. I guess if we, (I) were being completely honest, we would want that tragedy free life where we could be naïve to these hardships.
There are so many layers to what I am learning and experiencing through this with Evans illness and this is just another growing opportunity for me.
So, God bless those who know no pain and suffering, and may they continue their lives never having to experience it!
Until next time- Safe Picking
Tammy
