Blind is beautiful!

After a very stressful month at work and a dad who has Alzheimer's, I decided to take 2 days off to hopefully recharge my batteries.

For one of the days I scheduled an extended massage. These are my guilty pleasures in life. I don't get them often, but love when I can indulge for an hour at the hands of someone who's job it is to make me feel good.

So my appointment is booked with Mike. I've had a male masseuse before, so no biggie. Usually. But part of my last month's stresses included having a very ugly month. I mean the kind where I feel so ugly that I'm going to make babies cry if I go in public.

So my male masseuse anxiety starts to set in. I'm convinced that while I'm lying there with my eyes closed that Fabio and his magic hands will be looking at every inch of my body trying to keep his egg white tofu omelet down from breakfast.

In anticipation of the “how perfect is your body” test I'm about to take in the name of relaxation, I prepare. I spend extra time applying the “ I'm not wearing any make-up” make-up.

I add bronzer all across my chest since I can't make it to the Caribbean for a true sun kissed look.

I spend far too much time analyzing my underwear. It's a fine line between not looking like a granny and wearing sexy underwear 20 years and 30lbs past when you shouldn't.

I arrive at my spa and I am lead back to the room. Now comes the time for my man goddess to enter. And he does.

HE.  IS.  BLIND…… (I'll leave that there for a moment to soak in)

Blind like with a guidance cane blind. I don't even know what to think. I just laugh hysterically… on the inside.

Sometimes God shows us things in a very subtle way. And sometimes it is laid before us in a way that we would trip over it before missing it.

All of that time and wasted brain cells that I spent worrying, fretting about my imperfections, my freckles, my pale skin and crows feet.

Not only was Mike totally oblivious to my insecurities, and unable to see the things that were such a big deal to me an hour before, he asked if he could add my dad to his prayer list.

He told me about how, after he and his wife were unable to have children, they started fostering children. You could hear the pride in his voice. You could feel the satisfaction he had in his life.

And I, with my great health, sight, all of my limbs, and my own child, thought the only the thing that someone else cared about was my appearance.

It made me wonder, why is it that Mike is the one who is blind but I'm the one who can't see so many things?

I did leave there thanking God for so many of my imperfections and unfairness that had been given to me.

Truly, Mike makes his living by touch. His family sacrifices by driving him an hour to and from work, since he can't.

I would recommend him to anyone looking for a good massage. I believe he said he works almost everyday. Any business helps his family and for his wife to stay home with their foster children.

There are blessings all around us. We just need to pray for the vision to see them, even if they come from the blind.

Until next time~ safe picking

Tammy

The Next Phase

Baby, toddler, child, teenager, adult, wife, parent, parent to your parents. This is how the phases of most peoples lives go. We grow up, we get older, we get old, then we die. So, this is no big mystery or surprise.

Even though I know what the next phase is, it is no less heartbreaking. All most everyone I have lost in my family has pretty much been one day they were here and the next day they were gone. The shock was like a wet smelly blanket but I have vivid, lively memories of most of them.

When my brother passed away a couple of years ago from cancer, it was the first time of watching someone I loved slipping away. Dwindling out of our reach. I honestly can say, I don't know which one is easier.

I am entering the next phase of my life where I am becoming the parent to my parents. I don't know

how else to say it but it stinks! What stinks is not the commitment of it but the fact that I feel like someone just sat a sand timer in front of me and said here's what you have left. I can see changes from month to month and week to week in behaviors, memory and health.

We have forever left with our parents, right? As I've gotten old I realized that my parents aren't as old as I thought they were. Or I used to think that. I am facing that, yes, they are that old now.

I would not say that I grew up being daddy's little girl. He had 4 girls, so none of us really stood out. I will still argue with my sister Carol that I'm his favorite though (smiling). I didn't grow up with that typically father/daughter relationship. A lot of things factored into that including an addiction. But it was my life. For all the bad times, there were good one too. I have accepted that they did the best with what they had and knew.

I realize now that it has always been in the back of my head that I had a lifetime for those heartbreaks to be mended. Someday we would get around to those park bench talks where I would hear stories from his childhood and we would bond over Sunday lunches together.

Now that the next phase is here I see that those things are not going to happen. My window has closed, or rather it has closed on the view I thought I would have of us by now.

I am accepting that we bond over different things. We compare the newest "As Seen on TV" products and what our internet download and upload speeds are. We bond over college football.

But when I called my dad a couple of months ago when the championship game was coming on to get my few minutes of pre-game chatter and he didn't even realize that there was a game one, I knew we were entering the post game show.

As much as it hurts my heart to remind him to change clothes, reset his passwords, monitor his

medicine, reset his passwords, encourage him to use his cane, reset his passwords, change his sheets, etc......I am getting time with both of them that I probably wouldn't otherwise. Yeah, for different reasons I am the primary caretaker out of all my siblings, but I am also the one getting the one on one with them. When he says "Tam I sure do love you", it's all worth it.

I have learned after all these years that I get my sense of humor from my dad. I've never seen him as a funny person before but he is. Several months back after being called back to the doctors office to discuss test results unexpectedly, I drove him there. It was a kinda quiet ride. We tried to talk but the fear that was weighing on both of us was too much. After not hearing the 'cancer' word from the doctor my dad says "Doc you scared me to death. I thought you were gonna tell me I was pregnant!"

I am making amends with the past at the same time of facing the present. I am slowing getting to ask the questions I want to ask and say the things I want to say. I know my dad has made a lot of mistakes but for me and him.....we're good.

And in seeing that my mom is having some trouble understanding all of this I know that I'm in training to take care of her too not too far from now. But I've been blessed with many years with both of my parents. I understand its rare to still have both of them and for that I am thankful.

So I will keep resetting his passwords and telling (and listening) to the same stories with my mom.

 
For these lemons that have been handed to me, I think I will make a lemon pie and share half of it with my parents.

Until next time~ Safe Picking!

The Power of Pruning!

Tomorrow is the first day of spring, my favorite season! I get so excited when I go out on those cold mornings with Syrus and see the first signs of a little green sprig popping its head through the mulch! I will watch it everyday, measuring it's success, and cheering it on.  

My husband immediately starts to remind me that I cannot run to Home Depot and buy $500 worth of flowers until after the threat of frost has passed. 

It's such an exciting time to me. It is like all the life that has laid dormant through the winter are are having a rebirth! The dead coming back to life!

Since I have fallen in love with gardening I have learned a thing or two. Pruning- it has to be done! I had to let go of that feeling that I was chopping down my little miracle that I had put into the ground and watched grow. Pruning eliminates the old, dead, diseased and negative parts of a shrub. Eventually, my Hydrangeas do thank me when they are in full bloom with the most vibrant colors ever. 

Another term I learned was Deadheading. Who knew this was not what you do the extreme

couponer who pays with pennies in front of you at the grocery store. Simply pinching those

pieces off after they have stopped contributing to the beauty of the flower will make it flourish and multiply. 

Wait for it......the lesson. How would this work if throughout the year we pruned and deadheaded our lives like we do our garden? Is it possible that "pruning back" parts or people from our life could make us flourish like a stunning Marigold?

Yes there would be a period when things might appear slimmer, more drab or unflattering but the payoff when we start to bloom again would be spectacular!

What about the times that it feels like God has done the pruning that we did not ask for? Since God knows all, could we learn to accept these prunings and recognize that HE knows what is best for our lives and has much BIGGER things planned for us? If we have Faith and trust that God is in control and has said "I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10) and not question why things are not going the way we planned. 

Just like when we ladies exfoliate our face, the idea is to remove the dead, dull and dingy to expose the renewed glowing vibrant skin underneath. 


Think about this.....Could you be honest enough with yourself to admit when maybe what

needs to be pruned back could be something you are doing to yourself? I constantly struggle with the voice that talks to me in a way I would never allow someone else to. I need to prune back that negative voice that tells me I can't do it. I need to deadhead that low self-esteem that tells me I will never measure up.....exfoliate the ugly glasses that I view myself through. 

Removing negative people, including any negative voice they try to leave behind, can also help you to flourish and bloom. 

When we compare an over desolate garden to a beautiful healthy one, the main difference is the amount of care and love that someone gives it. We should be viewing our lives as gardens that need to be tended to everyday. 

However, I do believe a forgotten garden can produce those Lemons that will sneak into our lives and steal our joy!

Love yourself, take care of yourself because you are a child of God!

As a side note.....I love writing this blog and have gotten such fantastic feedback from it. But I suffer from periods of being uninspired. I ask for your prayers of inspiration for me to write on a regular basis. I do feel like this is my talent that God has blessed me with and understand that I need to "tend to this garden" if I want it to grow. 

Until next time-Safe Picking!

Tammy