I have decided to start a spin off edition of Handed a Lemon or Picked a Lemon. This one will be Bigger Than the Sky. I will be, or rather hope to, document my journey back to finding myself after 3 long years filled with loss and sadness.
Oh boy life did not just hand me lemon on this one. it yanked the whole lemon tree from the ground, roots and all, and hit me over the head with the tree.
I will preface this by saying I am a hot mess. My nerve endings are frayed, my filter is gone, my emotions are all over the place.
If you like roller coasters, or just like seeing a derailed train get back on track, hold on and join this journey with me.
My main objective in sharing this ugly process is that I hope I can help someone else that is trying to find them selves, or heal, to know they are not alone. Also, Evan and I talked about how his story would not end at the grave. So in whatever fashion you find this helpful, maybe for yourself or in dealing with someone in my position, so be it.
There are some other lifestyle bloggers/coaches out there that I question if they had been in my shoes would still be standing right now. Honestly, reading their work makes me feel terrible about myself. I want to give hope that you can make it through the very ugly parts of life, with the help of Jesus, Faith, friends and family.
To begin, I'd like to share a timeline of what has led me to be a crumbled mess on the floor. I feel this will help to understand the magnitude of brokenness and pieces I am trying to put back together.
August 2016- after a year of doctor visits and pleading that something was wrong, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers.
August 2016-March 2017 while working full-time I started handling my parents financial affairs, legal affairs, grocery shopping, doctor visits, cleaning, etc. And I live an hour away.
August 2, 2017- My world was turned upside down when I got a call that my son, that was in prison, would be having open heart valve replacement surgery the next day. They would not tell us what hospital he was in or let us see him. No one called to even let us know he made it through surgery. It was 23 days before we received a letter from Evan letting us know he made it through.
August 2017- my dad went into a nursing home short term and his personality had changed to being very angry and hostile during the weeks I waited to hear about Evan.
November 4, 2017- My dad passes away
1 week later- we got a call that Evan is back in the hospital and MRSA has already attacked and damage the new heart valve. This is critical and he may not make it.
January 2018- a doctor from Vanderbilt hospital calls and let have agreed to let us have the a visit with Evan. This is the first time we have seen him in almost 2 years. One visit. 4 hours. The doctor said he only had 6 months left to live at this point.
January-July 2018 Evan is in and out of the hospital many many times. Our only source of information was when he was returned to the prison hospital in between and could tell us what was going on. We still could not see him.
July 2018- The Chaplain calls and said he believes that Evan only has about 3 days to live. I got this call while I was at a doctor appointment for myself where I was told they thought I had a collapsed lung and/or blood clot in my lungs and was rushed to the hospital. It ended up being fine. We were granted 7 visits with Evan at the public hospital in Nashville where he was. On that 7th visit when we left, it was brutal walking out of that room not knowing if we would ever see him again or not.
October 2018- Evan is still fighting with everything he has. We were given unlimited daily visits with him at the prison hospital in Nashville.
October 2018-March 2019 At least twice a week I made the trip to Nashville after work (3 hours each way and a time zone difference) to visit with him.
November 2018- Doctor said he did not see anyway that he would still be alive for Christmas.
Christmas 2018 Evan is still fighting and we got to spend Christmas together for the first time in years.
March 2019 Evan was finally granted a medical furlough and was released to a nursing home on hospice in Dayton TN.
March-April 22, 2019 Every other day after work I drove the 2 hours each way to be with him. This was such a gift to get to hug, see him, call him, and laugh with him any time that I wanted to.
April 23, 2019 Jesus brought Evan home and healed him for eternity.
This brings me to the point where I am now, exhausted, heartbroken and numb.
On this journey, I plan to be honest with my feelings. Some are valid and some are irrational, I know this. My journey is personal. Any comments/feelings/anger are not and will not be about anyone that I know would be reading this. So please do not think that anything I share might be a passive aggressive jab at anyone that has been around.
Evan and I always had this love banter that started when he was small that went like this.
I love you bigger than the sky
And more than chocolate pie
Bigger than the ocean
And more than a secret potion
More than a ice cream sundae
On a very hot Monday
(then his daughter added)
More than queso
And I don't care to say so.
Over the years it was just shortened to us saying Bigger than the Sky instead of I Love You.
I hope to make it to the other side of my grief and live a life that is Bigger Than the Sky.
If you decide to join me- thank you. Please share on your social media if you feel someone else might benefit from reading too.
Tammy
