A heartbreak like no other

                                                                   

I have always described having a child that is an addict and in prison like this- it is like you find out your child has cancer and you don't even have a car to drive them to the doctor to try to help them. It is such a feeling of helplessness. I thought it could not possibly get any worse than that. Never test that.


But, the helplessness you feel when you child is in prison and has cancer, there are no words for.

Because of how rocky the last several years have been, my skin has thickened up. I am able to take on more and more without crumbling. I have spent countless nights laying awake trying to prepare myself for the worst. Given the circumstances and stories we hear, we could receive a call that he had been killed over a lunch plate or $20. With such a high suicide rate in my family, I also had to prepare myself that someday it may become more than he could bear.


                                          

But Saturday, Richard said I need to tell you something. I immediately took a deep breath and thought her it comes. See, we already had a 911 plan in advance. When something bad happened, Evan's father would call Richard. I wanted any news to come from Richard. But, cancer. I was not prepared for that. My family does not DO cancer. We deal with suicide. We have lost more to suicide than cancer. Even though my brother just died of cancer, that was a one time thing. And throat cancer. There had to be some mistake. Old people who had smoked for 40 years got that, not my 27 year old baby boy.

I was convinced something else was going on. This was not right. I would be the one to get cancer, not my son. I have great health insurance, access to good doctors, a husband to support me and I can handle it. I can handle having cancer but not sure if I can handle him having it. Not Evan. Why Evan?

                                    

All we know is they will start radiation and chemo within 90 days. I know, I said why wait 90 days? Welcome to prison health care. If they can get to him before they will. We can not call and talk to any doctor. We can not be there with him when he goes through chemo. We can not hug him and tell him not to be scared.


                                      

I feel like they did catch this early enough that it will be OK. But hearing him say that he could only live 4 years and he doesn't want to die.......no words. The pain in my heart, because I can't be there for him, 

is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

                                           


I know God is in control of this. We all 3 made the decision that prayers were more important than privacy with this. We have already received the blessing of knowing how much human love still exist. The outpouring of support has been overwhelming. We received messages from Evan's Sunday school teacher when he was little, his karate teacher who gave him his black belt, even a volunteer from KARM found me and remember his smile from him being in the homeless shelter. God's will is being done, and I know I do not see it now but it will be great!

Booter, I love you bigger than the sky!
Mom