Death By Elastic

There are things in life that will try to kill you. Cancer, ISIS, black widow spiders, cottonmouth snakes,waist slimmers, running marathons.....wait a minute,waist slimmers? Huh, what are you talking about? Well I am going to tell you a mostly true story about how one tried to kill me last week.

That innocent little G popped up on my phone notification alerting me to that day's Groupon special. Ah, a waist slimmer. Not a tank top and not the slimming shorts, just a little extra support around the middle. Easy enough. So I made my purchase and waited patiently for my miracle belt to arrive.

It made it here on Wednesday, the day before a very important appointment that my husband and I had. Fantastic! I can try it tomorrow.

Thursday comes and I shower and take extra time with my hair and make-up. Remember, it's a big day. So, I give my husband that final 10 minute notice that I will be ready to go.

Then I remember my little something something that is going to change my life. As I'm going into the bathroom I do remember to take a pair of scissors with me to cut the tag off. I'm so smart that I knew I couldn't cut it off the back if it did happen to be a little snug. Bahaha.

I was realistic when ordering this and bought an XL because these things tend to run small. By the way, if you have to order a small or medium, YOU DON"T NEED ONE!

So when I hold it up to my waist it looks more like a thigh slimmer. It barely covers my navel and is a good 2 inches shy on each side.

I tell myself that it stretches and it,s OK.  So I choose to step into it instead of pulling it over my head. Thank goodness for that decision. I can't imagine how the other way would have gone. So, just above my knees I start to see there is going to be problem.

I tried spreading my legs as far apart as I could to stretch it out but it had as much give as what I give to Puppy Haters of America, NONE. I keep pulling and tugging until the top of it is at about my hips. At this point I look like a can of biscuit popping out of the can.

But I push on, I have to walk out of here looking like a super model for my husband this morning. I talk a deep breath, suck in my belly and pull with all my might. And break 2 nails. Ripped them right off. $%*&#  So now I have to either get into or out of this thing AND fix 2 broken nails. I am convinced that this contraption could make mother Theresa say a 4 letter word and flip off a priest.

Is 9 am too early for tequila? But that would we require me to leave this bathroom to get it and there are some things in life that just can't be unseen. This would traumatize my husband for life.

By now I'm sweating and my make up is running. The baby powder is mixing with the sweat and making a nice pasted and/or grout. But I am not giving up! One more pull and it's in place.

Yes, my waist is smaller, but everything that is missing from my mid-section is now a nice roll around my rib cage and 2 rolls around my hips. I'm fighting back tears with everything I have now. Today is suppose to be perfect!


My hair that I spent so much time on now looks like I combed it with a blender and sweat is trickling down between my boobs and rolling down between the cheeks of my butt that are plastered together.

I make the decision to abandon ship and write it off as a lesson learned. BUT, I still had to get out of this. If I pull from the bottom it just stretched down further. So, I started working my way down from the top. Mistake! It began to roll down my belly on its own, When it got to my panties, it rolled them up in it, in turn giving me THE worst wedge I've ever had in my life.


 It's time for my husband to start banging on the door saying we need to leave. I truly told God that if there was ever a time for Him to help me out He would not let my husband come through that door. So, I have this thing equal to a boa constrictor around my waist and creeping into places that no gynecologist has ever gone and I have no idea how to escape.

That's when the see the scissors. Hallelujah!  Yes, I cut my miracle waist slimmer and my panties off of me and saved my own life.

When my heart rate finally slowed to a normal level I decided right then and there that Jesus made me with this body and I would never again torture myself trying to alter it with another "As Seen on TV" product again!

My lemon may be bigger than some others but this is how He designed me and I am trying to be more accepting of it.

I made it out the door and hubby had no clue of what transpired behind that door between me and elastic torture chamber.

Until next time-Safe Picking
Tammy