A wake-up call before going to sleep

                            
I have written in the past about how cancer can be a blessing, I know that sounds crazy, but I know the way it changed my relationship with my brother and I saw it again this week.

I have a very close friend who's father was diagnosed back in the summer with colon cancer. My friend "Annie", is a very strong and stoic person. She, and her dad, handled this ordinarily earth shattering news, like everything else. They put on their game face and tackled it with the force of  a category 4 hurricane. Many times over the years, Annie has talked about how she got her "stubbornness" from her dad.                                              

When she text me the day before Thanksgiving very early in the morning and said he was bleeding on his brain, was on a ventilator and they would be removing him, I was stunned. Going through those moments with her, I saw such raw emotions. She was a broken person that I didn't know.

Days go by and the funeral passes. When I think she may be ready to talk, I call her. I could tell within the first few minutes of that call that my sweet friend Annie was changed. I saw her most genuine soul and heard love from her voice that I had never experienced from her before.

Annie is the girl who always has it together, the perfect family, 1 boy and 1 girl, white picket fence, yada yada yada. But she was different. I could tell that she would never be the same. Her appreciation and value of life instead of things would be altered forever.

                           

She told me about the service and the preacher who spoke about her dad. I could hear the smile on her face. She admitted that her dad had never been what we southerners call a religious person, but this preacher told about being with her father on their back deck when he asked Jesus into his heart.  I think until that moment, they were not certain about this destiny. What a gift, far more valuable that diamonds or gold, that he gave them by sharing this.

In hearing her tell me about how she had seen a twinkle in her dad's eye in the last few weeks was just heart warming. She said she thought the cancer and chemo was making him a softer person but she now knows it was Jesus filling his heart that brought on this tenderness in her otherwise large, loud and stoic father.

                                               

That's when it hit me again, that cancer had been a blessing. In the time he had left it somehow brought about his salvation and these sweet memories that Annie will carry with her now like a warm fuzzy blanket. Cancer was a wake-up call for him before his earthly body went to sleep, but it also has brought out a tender side to Annie that I do not see going away.

God is in control of everything that happens, even situations involving cancer. Open your heart to His love, open your eyes to see His blessing and know that He is the I AM! 

I love you Annie and pray for peace for your entire family in the coming years of "first" you will go through.

Until next time- Safe Picking
Tammy

I love this poem that was written for my family when my first sister passed away;

I know not what the future holds
It may bring joy or sorrow
But the The One who kept me yesterday
Will hold my hand tomorrow.

Come on big money!

Everyone dreams of hitting the MEGA jackpot and winning the lottery. We have all talked about what we would do if we won. So many dreams would come true for us and those around us. I have even known some who have won the lottery. Even the powerball winner from a few months ago lives in my neighborhood. 

                                                

When I stopped at my local corner gas station last week, I stood in line behind several people, like always, buying their weekly lottery ticket(s). I noticed a man in the corner with several cards spread out and he was scratching away like poison ivy was all over that counter.

As I walked past, and certain this was not the first time I have seen him in there scratching like a DJ, I wondered to myself how much he spends on these tickets hoping to hit the big money every week. It came to mind "why doesn't he just tithe his money and KNOW he will be taken care of instead of gambling his money HOPING he will be taken care of?"

                                                         

First of all, I understand that I know nothing about this person and what they do or don't do. But, if it were the situation that money was only spent on lottery tickets instead of being obedient to what God tells us to do, it seems a little ridiculous to me.

Again, this is my speaking from experience, not arrogance. I have been very disobedient with money many times and for most of my life. I have learned that everything I have came from God. He allows me to have it. HE gives me a little to see how I manage before giving me more.

New Living Translation Matthew 25:29
To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.


That sentence just keeps whirling through my mind. "why don't we just tithe our money and KNOW we will be taken care of instead of gambling our money HOPING we will be taken care of?" That was very profound for me. I am so intrigued by what makes one person different from another. Faith that we are going to be taken care of is a big difference between a lot of people.

                                                     

Don't get me wrong, I have bought about 3 tickets since it became legal in Tennessee. And I would not turn down any gift that a lottery winner wanted to share with me. But I know how I would help others with it. However, I am not willing to risk what little God has entrusted to me on the dream of winning big money.

Also, in my opinion, tithing can be helping in Jesus name many different ways. So for those that are giving me a tongue lashing in your head because you do not believe in giving to the church, there are many ways to help someone.

                                         

Other way that you can help others in Jesus name are;

Second Havest is an amazing charity that fills a very basic human need of nurishment.

https://secondharvestetn.org

If you know a friend who is having some financial struggles, buy some basic nessecities like toilet paper, washing powders, soap, shampoo, etc and leave it on their door step. They do not have to know where it came from. I promise you, the feeling you get from these random acts of kindness will make you feel like having your feel in a warm bowl of pudding.

But most of all, remember that God WILL take care of us. 

Matthew 6:26-27New International Version (NIV)

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

Until next time- Safe Picking

Tammy

No matter how much you beg, I will not give you this lemon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLc3KN99Yr8&feature=youtube_gdata_player
It's intersting when you look back over your life at all the different things that were important to you.
Just like that 80's hairstyle that took 2 cans of Rave to get it to maximum height. Some things make you wonder what in the world you were thinking.
Whether it was that perfect boy or that perfect job that you just prayed to God, that if only He would give it to you, that you would be the perfect person for the rest of your life.
How many of those things now can you look back on and say "thank God for unanswered prayers"?
Because hindsight is 20/20 we can see just how much it impacted our lives that they didn't take that direction that we wanted so much.
I can look back at my life and see how, almost, everything had to happen just the way it did for me to be where I am today. You know what, I wouldn't change a thing.
I have complete and total faith now that when something doesn't turn out the way I want, it's probably because God knows better than I what I need.
So when you are asking or begging God to give you what could turn out to be a lemon, just know that He knows best!
Until best time- safe picking
Tammy

Keeping up with the Stewarts or the Homeless

I always get a little weeping around the holidays. It happens every year. Since I was little, I've dreamed of these amazing family holidays like the ones we see on television, especially Thanksgiving. My family has never been big on traditions and all the "fancy" stuff when it comes to celebrating anything. I can not remember a single Thanksgiving growing up where a meal was had around the dinner table together as a family. Dinner was prepared and then my mom would announce that it was ready and on the stove whenever we wanted it.

Once I became an adult, I encouraged all of us to have more family functions and share these occasions together. It still consisted of paper plates, sweatpants  and TV trays, but we were together for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

Over time they started to come fewer and further between. Now we are to the point of having no family dinners together. It really makes me sad. Every 3rd commercial on TV is showing that picture perfect family sitting around the table, dress for the occasion, passing the gravy and enjoying each others company. It's an event to look forward to. I may never have that again.

When the holidays start to approach I fall into that dark place of comparing my holidays to those like Martha Stewart has. Why can't we be like that? Why does another holiday have to pass that I can't have my son here? Why can't we just pretend for one day that everything is perfect.

But this morning, driving to work, I had my Ah Ha moment! I was thinking about all the joy that my work with the homeless brings me. It keeps me humble and so grateful for all that God has given me. Then I thought, if I compare my life and my holidays to those that the homeless have, they are pretty fantastic! So, if I change my focus to that instead of all these commercialized fantasies, my whole perspective changes.

It's all about the angle that you look at things. I intend to work to keep my blinders on and stay focused on what I do have instead of what I don't this season.  It could always be worse.

So this year, I am thankful that I have family, friends, my health, a warm bed, plenty of food and last but not least, a loving and forgiving God.

What are you thankful for this year?


Until next time- safe picking!

Take those lemons and try this Martha Stewart recipe with them-

Glazed Lemon Pound Cake 

Ingredients

• 5 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened, plus more for pan
• 3/4 cup, plus 3 tablespoons sugar, plus more for dusting
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice, plus finely grated zest of 2 lemons, plus more for garnish (optional)
• 1/4 cup milk
• 2 large eggs

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 9-by-5-inch loaf pan. Dust with sugar, and tap out excess; set aside. Whisk together flour, salt, and baking soda. Stir together 1 tablespoon lemon juice and the milk.
2. Put butter and 3/4 cup sugar in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix until pale and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Mix in eggs and zest. Working in two batches, alternate mixing in flour mixture and milk mixture. Pour batter into prepared pan. Bake until a cake tester comes out clean, about 35 minutes.
3. Meanwhile, stir together remaining 3 tablespoons sugar and 2 tablespoons lemon juice. Upon removing cake from oven, immediately brush with lemon glaze. Let cake cool in pan 10 minutes. Unmold cake. Brush remaining glaze on top. Garnish with zest.

 Courtesy:
http://www.marthastewart.com/336499/glazed-lemon-pound-cake

Learning to love Weakness



I have lost count of how many times I have been standing in the shower having thoughts about "what do you wear to court to see your child in handcuffs and shackles" or "to find out how long his sentence is going to be", or even "what do I wear that I am not turned away and do not get to visit for another 6 months".  Like some women trying to chose what to wear to a wedding or cocktail party, I am trying to decide to appropriate outfit for these situations.

I have faced many things that have molded me into the person I am. I know I am a strong person. I know I can handle some pretty tough things, because I already have and I am here to tell the story.



However, many times I have approached that strength with an almost arrogance. Like a weight lifter talking smack about how many pounds he can lift, or a boxer boasting about his wins. I found that my inner strength was something I was very sure that I possessed.



With that I have developed a deep dislike for weakness, especially weak people. There are some of these people around who seem to crumble just by dealing with a unpleasant customer at work, or someone cutting in front of them in line. To some, dealing with a less than perfect server at a restaurant is the same magnitude as the first time I saw my son cuffed and loaded into the back of a police car.

I will admit, I am truly annoyed by this type person. We all know someone like this. Just day to day life seems so dramatic to them. The most tramatic thing they have experienced is if dad is going to pay off their credit cards so they can shop while they are on vacation. These also seem to be the people who judge others the most. The ones who roll their eyes at your prayer request.

But it occurred to me, that in my thinking on this, I was judging them. There was no difference. And if this "positive" trait of strength I had was so positive, why did it cause me so much distress. I can feel by blood pressure rise just with the thoughts of these types.



I am working on changing my thought process on this. I prayed that God would help me to stop being annoyed by someone who had never experienced a tragedy and instead be thankful that those people do have a weakness because they have not had to learn this strength. Just to be thankful that bad things have not happened to everyone.

It will be something I will have to work on and continue to pray for the kind of strength that is not bitter because some have had a smoother life. I guess if we, (I) were being completely honest, we would want that tragedy free life where we could be naïve to these hardships.

 



There are so many layers to what I am learning and experiencing through this with Evans illness and this is just another growing opportunity for me.

So, God bless those who know no pain and suffering, and may they continue their lives never having to experience it!

Until next time- Safe Picking

Tammy

Blessings are where you look for them.

I know it seemed odd, when my brother had cancer, I said sometimes there can be blessings come from it. I choose to look for whatever God has for me, no matter how small.

In the short time we have known about Evan's cancer, I am already seeing blessings. First of all, the show of support has been overwhelming! Any thoughts I had that there is no human kindness left in the world has been removed.

I have been passing messages on to Evan that are being sent to me. To hear his voice quiver, not because of being scared, but because of feeling loved, is such a gift that you all have given to him and to this mama. I am truly grateful. He has asked for sometime why he does not get any more cards and letters than he does. I try to explain how busy everyone is and not let it get to him. I believe he was feeling like he could disappear and no one would notice. But now, he realizes that people do love and care for him. If you are a parent, you know the kindest thing you can do for someone is to do something for their child.

                                          


It has been a blessing to have him lifted up in so many prayers. Even if nothing has changed about his situation or his disease, if he has smiled to himself one time thinking of the love from everyone, I say "AMEN"!

As a parent, for a while now I have had to hear some pretty bad things. You hear things thru the grapevine that others have said about your child. Again, I know he has made mistakes, but he is still my son. I think of it like a God/Sinner relationship. No matter how much we do wrong He will always forgive us and lift us up. It has been a Blessing to receive stories and memories from people of the Evan they remember. It has been so good to see others see the beautiful heart that I know.


                                        
Even the odd circumstances of discovering the cancer are being looked at as a blessing now. 

I am just taking it hour by hour and searching everywhere I can in this dark time for those blessings that I know God has in store for us.

Thank you to everyone who shared Evan's story. It was shared and read over 2000 times the first 24 hours. If that's not God?

Booter, I love you bigger than the sky!

Until next time......

Tammy

A heartbreak like no other

                                                                   

I have always described having a child that is an addict and in prison like this- it is like you find out your child has cancer and you don't even have a car to drive them to the doctor to try to help them. It is such a feeling of helplessness. I thought it could not possibly get any worse than that. Never test that.


But, the helplessness you feel when you child is in prison and has cancer, there are no words for.

Because of how rocky the last several years have been, my skin has thickened up. I am able to take on more and more without crumbling. I have spent countless nights laying awake trying to prepare myself for the worst. Given the circumstances and stories we hear, we could receive a call that he had been killed over a lunch plate or $20. With such a high suicide rate in my family, I also had to prepare myself that someday it may become more than he could bear.


                                          

But Saturday, Richard said I need to tell you something. I immediately took a deep breath and thought her it comes. See, we already had a 911 plan in advance. When something bad happened, Evan's father would call Richard. I wanted any news to come from Richard. But, cancer. I was not prepared for that. My family does not DO cancer. We deal with suicide. We have lost more to suicide than cancer. Even though my brother just died of cancer, that was a one time thing. And throat cancer. There had to be some mistake. Old people who had smoked for 40 years got that, not my 27 year old baby boy.

I was convinced something else was going on. This was not right. I would be the one to get cancer, not my son. I have great health insurance, access to good doctors, a husband to support me and I can handle it. I can handle having cancer but not sure if I can handle him having it. Not Evan. Why Evan?

                                    

All we know is they will start radiation and chemo within 90 days. I know, I said why wait 90 days? Welcome to prison health care. If they can get to him before they will. We can not call and talk to any doctor. We can not be there with him when he goes through chemo. We can not hug him and tell him not to be scared.


                                      

I feel like they did catch this early enough that it will be OK. But hearing him say that he could only live 4 years and he doesn't want to die.......no words. The pain in my heart, because I can't be there for him, 

is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

                                           


I know God is in control of this. We all 3 made the decision that prayers were more important than privacy with this. We have already received the blessing of knowing how much human love still exist. The outpouring of support has been overwhelming. We received messages from Evan's Sunday school teacher when he was little, his karate teacher who gave him his black belt, even a volunteer from KARM found me and remember his smile from him being in the homeless shelter. God's will is being done, and I know I do not see it now but it will be great!

Booter, I love you bigger than the sky!
Mom